On March 2, 2002, at 1:30 P.M. EST (6:30 P.M. GMT), the XYZZY Awards Ceremony was held at ifMUD. Below is the transcript of the event, without comments made on the #peanut-gallery discussion. Should you wish to see those comments, they are also available.

inky steps up on stage again.
Gunther says (to Adam), "eeeagh"
inky says, "well, that was certainly quite something"
Jon waves to emily
<Kalthare> Kalthare has connected to ifMUD.
HairBrain arrives from the west.
inky says, "our security guards are pursuing the Kissing Bandit, but since he climbed up some stairs and then rolled a bunch of wine-barrels down at them, knocking them all over, and then shot out the window with his magic boots, I'm not sure this fiend will be brought to justice anytime soon"
Duchess walks out from under the archway south of here, although you didn't notice her approaching it from the other side.
Sietse Mad. Or preventing themselves from going it.
Sietse says, "Mad. Or preventing themselves from going it."
bdonlan sits down on a nearby thingy.
zugzwang exclaims, "Yay ES!"
Duchess sneaks in guiltily and takes a seat in the back
Kiz walks out from under the archway south of here, although you didn't notice her approaching it from the other side.
inky says, "nevertheless, the ceremony must continue."
Trent says (to Duchess), "I saved you a seat up front."
Sietse I'm mixing up ; : and ". Oh dear.
<KF> KF has connected to ifMUD.
Jimbo says, "Yay, ceremony."
maga says, "the bandit LIVES"
Sargent says, "If we don't go on with the ceremony, the Kissing Bandit has won"
veek says (to Sargent), "yay"
inky says, "please welcome Yehoweh Porn, with the Best Individual NPC award!"
eileen gives a hasty description of the Kissing Bandit to the police sketch artist
Gunther says, "YES!!"
(From Sietse) The bandit smirks.
veek says, "pr0n!"
Iain says (to Sargent), "We need to fight kissing with kissing!"
Storme says, "yay!"
Sousa whoo hooo
Photon applauds.
Sietse kisses Storme.
Yehoweh_Porn has arrived.
KF walks out from under the archway south of here, although you didn't notice it approaching it from the other side.
Matthew claps.
Sargent says, "Yay Yehoweh!"
Jon waves handkerchief. Feels over come and drinks tea
Trent applauds
veek wiggles eyebrows in the direction of the stage
Yehoweh_Porn asks, "Hey guys, what's goin' on?"
Paul hesitantly cheers for Mr. Porn
Storme says (to Sietse), "I think Iain might disapprove of that"
Yehoweh_Porn says, "Hi! I'm Porn. You may remember me from 'Fallacy of Dawn' where I held the hand of that (to quote one Rameses Alexander Moran) "doped-out, debt-ridden loser who spends his time obsessing over 80s video games" named Delarion for a couple days while he sorted out his social and financial problems. I was also the only guy in that game who didn't look like all his dates ended up involving a shovel, some roofies, a ditch and a 'Discs of Tron' environmental arcade cabinet tricked out to function as a sturdy, closed coffin."
Duchess says (to trent), "whew. thanks"
Sargent says, "yow"
Iain says, "YAY PORN!"
Gunther says, "infodump!"
BenCaplan uses its lightsabre to destroy yehoweh_porn! The lightsabre makes its characteristic zzzshuuww noise.
maga says, "mmm, porn"
BenCaplan uses its lightsabre to destroy yehoweh_porn! The lightsabre makes its characteristic zzzshuuww noise.
BenCaplan uses its lightsabre to destroy yehoweh_porn! The lightsabre makes its characteristic zzzshuuww noise.
Iain says, "Please keep that quote in context!"
HairBrain says, "Up with porn! Down with pants!"
Jearl says, "mmm, discs of TRON"
Yehoweh_Porn says, "I should also mention that I am from the future. 2014, in fact. I'd like to be able to say that I already know who's going to win, except that Harry Hardjono finally snaps in about 2006 and bludgeons almost all of you to death."
Gunther says, "stop the madness! start the award!"
Trent says, "Woo!"
Trent says (to Duchess), "No problem."
LoneCleric asks (of Porn), "Oh, hey, I've been told we look awfully alike, you know that?"
Adam says, "HA"
Gunther asks (of Yehoweh_Porn), "what about Dubya???"
LoneCleric says (to Porn), "Oh, no, that's not you, sorry."
<BrenBarn> You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Fortunately only a simple majority is required.
BoingBall says, "The phone never ACKK"
Yehoweh_Porn says, "The phone may never ring, but it sure makes a cracking sound when it's caving the back of your skulls in. The URLs for Baf's, Brass Lantern and XYZZY News all eventually expire and get snapped up by domain-jumping Internet pornographers. Suffice it to say, everyone in 2014 thinks that the Glulx 'Stiffy Makane' game was mainstream and somewhat subdued."
Gunther says (to BoingBall), "a problem with many dialup accounts"
Sargent says, "yay!"
Iain asks (of Porn), "It wasn't?"
Storme says, "yay stiffy"
Sousa laughs
BrenBarn arrives from the west.
Gunther drops Stiffy.
DavidW says, "hey BrenBarn"
Jearl says, "ah, those innocent days"
Jacqueline says, "Heh"
maga says, "yay smtuc"
BrenBarn says, "whoop, I forgot this was happening"
Iain says, "Porn! Stiffy! Ra ra ra!"
Yehoweh_Porn says, "In fact, the only thing I could dig up regarding 2002 text adventures was that it was the best of times...and it was the worst of times. The "Best Of" games I'll be getting to in a moment, but as for the bad ones..."
Sietse the american becomes acutely aware of his electile dysfunction.
Yehoweh_Porn says, "Well, let's just say that where I'm from, fratboys perform an "upper decker" at a bad house party *not* by opening up the water tank, standing on the toilet seat, squatting down and directly crapping into the tank, but instead by simply dropping a burned CD with a copy of 'Amissville' into it."
Photon laughs heartily.
Iain says (to Porn), "YAY"
Matthew laughs.
maga says, "yay"
Gunther says, "Hooray!"
Yehoweh_Porn says, "The nominees for Best Non-Player Character are!! ..."
Jon demands more crudity first
Yehoweh_Porn exclaims, "Emily, from 'Earth and Sky 2: Another Earth, Another Sky' by Paul O'Brien!"
Matthew claps.
Jimbo cheers.
Sousa claps!
inky says, "yay Emily"
<ghira> Ghira has arrived. Quick, hide your chocolate and ricotta cakes!
Iain kicks Jon in the crotch.
DavidW claps
Trent says, "Yay!"
Jon exclaims, "Splendid!"
Photon says, "Another game, another Emily."
BrenBarn says, "huzzah"
Adam says (to inky), "That was a bit belated"
Sargent says, "Yay Emily but not that Emily the other one that's an NPC!"
Rob claps
Gunther says (to Iain), "Ha ha"
Jearl whispers, "no, no, crudiTAY"
Sietse kicks Iain in the ribs.
KF goes home.
</KF> KF has disconnected from ifMUD.
DorianX says (to Sarge), "Oh the irony"
JessK says (to Jearl), ""ha!"
liza says (to inky), "Sorry you had to find out the truth this way"
Iain whispers (to Jearl), "But I forget what that is!"
Yehoweh_Porn exclaims, "Boldo, from 'Lock & Key' by Adam Cadre!"
(From Sietse) The shadowy figures that emily feared have gone.
kairo claps
maga exclaims, "Yay Boldo!"
Emily says, "yay Boldo"
Jimbo says, "Go Boldo, Go Boldo."
Jearl says, "Boldo the Brave!"
Sousa applauds
Paul cheers for L&C NPCs!
ghira walks out from under the archway south of here, although you didn't notice it approaching it from the other side.
DavidW says, "hooray for Boldo!"
Photon woos for Boldo.
Jacqueline claps wildly, spilling champagne on Jimbo.
Sietse applauds.
Matthew claps.
Storme says, "yay!"
Rob chants, "BOL-DO! BOL-DO!"
Sargent says, "Woo Boldo who is no doubt busy helping Kissing Bandit escape"
kairo exclaims, "yay! Boldo!"
Paul then corrects himself by cheering for L&K NPCs
Gunther says, "boldo! ta ta ta!"
Jearl asks, "not in a gay way, though. or IS HE?"
Adam says (to Jen), "Only his hairdresser knows for sure"
(From DorianX) peanut In the mean time, DorianX wakes up, looks around, and wonders how the hell he got here, and where the hell his pants have gotten to.
Yehoweh_Porn exclaims, "Musculo, from 'Lock & Key' by Adam Cadre!"
maga says, "YAY MUSCULO"
Rob laughs and claps.
Matthew claps.
Rob says, "Yay musculo!"
Gunther says, "Two winners!"
Sargent says, "woo Musculo"
maga cheers
Storme says, "yay!"
Jon says, "yay all round adam-fest"
Sousa exclaims, "yay!"
DavidW says, "Musculo fall down. Oops."
DorianX says, "pwoah."
JessK claps
Jon claps
Iain says, "It's a double-roggler whammy!"
Jacqueline says (to David), "Heh"
Jimbo cheers.
Jacqueline claps.
Gunther says (to Iain), "take it to #porn"
Adam says (to Iain), "Man, that sounds like the dirtiest thing ever"
Jearl says, "Pick Up the Loincloth and Die"
Adam says, "Wait, it's not dirty, it's intimate"
Jacqueline says, "Heh"
Jacqueline says (to Jearl), "Yay!"
(From Sietse) The muscles from France! Wooh!
Yehoweh_Porn exclaims, "Charles, from 'The Temple' by Johan Berntsson!"
Gunther says (to Adam), "intimate not necessarily != dirty"
JessK cheers
Jimbo cheers.
Sargent says, "yay Charles"
Paul exclaims, "Yay Charles!"
Jimbo exclaims, "Charles RULES!"
DavidW claps. "Charles!"
Markov arrives from the west.
Jearl says, "It's the Manliest Award Ever!"
Rob claps
Photon says, "Yay Lovecraftian IF."
inky says, "yay useful NPC"
Sousa applauds
Storme says (to jearl), "ha!"
Iain says (to Jearl), "Woo."
Jacqueline claps.
DavidW says, "Charles is dreamy."
Guest2 goes home.
</Guest2> Well THAT was certainly... interesting.
Sargent says (to inky), "You have confused 'The Temple' with 'The Edifice'"
Jacqueline says (to DavidW), "Settle down, big boy."
Adam says (to DW), "Somewhere, Nerd42 is crying"
Yehoweh_Porn exclaims, "and last, but not least, Nebusan Sedonkawa from 'When Help Collides' by J.D. Berry!"
Gunther laughs.
Storme says (to Adam), "heehee"
<KF> KF has connected to ifMUD.
Gunther says (to Adam), "we can only hope"
maga says, "yay Help Collides"
Sargent says, "yay Nebusan"
Jon applauds wildly!
BenCaplan is surprised, even considering the high level of hypersension, that the conversation is becoming so immature.
Jacqueline claps very wildly this time, and it's not just the champagne.
Paul claps claps claps!
gayla applauds.
Sietse screams Yay! Yay! Yay!
Sousa exclaims, "yay!"
zugzwang says, "Yay WHC"
KF walks out from under the archway south of here, although you didn't notice it approaching it from the other side.
Storme says (to bencaplan), "hey, this is sophisticated compared to some conversations"
Yehoweh_Porn says, "...and the XYZZY goes to..."
Photon twitches.
maga holds breath
Yehoweh_Porn says, "(these envelopes are always so tough to open...)"
Gunther says (to Yehoweh_Porn), "yeah, when you're high on Ree!"
Jearl says, "Use you gun!"
DavidW holds breathe
Yehoweh_Porn exclaims, "The XYZZY for Best Non-Player Character goes to... Boldo, from 'Lock & Key' by Adam Cadre!! A WINNER IS YOU!"
Rob claps
maga says, "yay"
Duchess says (to maga), "you are going to pass outsoon if you don't breathe"
Gunther says, "YAY ADAM"
Psmith says, "Yay!"
Rob says, "YAY!"
inky says, "yay Boldo!"
DavidW says, "HOORAY!"
Jearl says, "yay!"
BoingBall exclaims, "yay!"
Emily says, "yay!"
Jimbo claps and cheers.
dfan claps
veek says, "woooo!"
Paul exclaims, "YAAAAAYYYYYYYY BOLDO!"
gayla exclaims, "Yay!"
Storme says, "YAY!"
Sargent says, "woo hoo!"
Sousa claps!
JessK says, "hooray!""
Photon says, "Yay Boldo!""
Jota says, "Go, Boldo."
kairo says, "WOOO""
Duchess claps for Adam
eileen claps and claps and claps
two-star exclaims, "yay!"
andreaw says, "wooo"
Rob applauds!!
DavidW says, "Boldo! Boldo! Boldo!"
schep applauds.
Ced says, "woo"
Iain says, "Boldo!"
Jearl says, "and tell him to get down here and open this jar!"
Rob chants, "BOL-DO! BOL-DO!"
Jacqueline claps, applauds, etc.
kairo applauds
Jota applaids Adam.
Trent Cheers Loudly
veek says, "yaaaaay Boldam!"
ghira gives Adam the clap. No, wait.
Sietse gets his elbow knock by a neighbour, and spills champagne on his suit. But he claps!
Gunther says (to Jota), "ooh"
Iain says (to Jearl), "Yay!"
kairo says, "Speech!""
Jimbo unleashes the hounds.
andreaw goes home.
</andreaw> *** You have won! ****
Jon exclaims, "Congrats!"
Rob says (to andreaw), "well put!"
DavidW raw steaks for everyone!
Boldo leaps up to the stage and brandishes the trophy
Jacqueline says, "Yay!"
Kiz has disconnected.
Kiz goes home.
Duchess asks (of DavidW), "But what about the vegetarians?"
Jacqueline says, "Woo! Boldo's here!"
Yehoweh_Porn gives Best Individual NPC trophy to Adam.
Jearl says, "we will use them to soothe our pummelled clapping-hands"
Boldo screams, "Triumph! TRIUMPH!"
Jon says, "applause"
Rob laughs
Sargent says, "ha!"
Gunther fires a crossbow at Boldo!
Sietse puts a raw steak on his hands.
maga exclaims, "LIONS!"
Boldo brandishes the award a bit too strongly and it flies across the room, impaling Musculo, who dies horribly
DavidW says (to Duchess), "um, can I get back to you on that? I'm sure I can find some fruit somewhere..."
Rob says, "oh dear"
Storme says, "whoops"
Stas exclaims (at maga), "AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Gunther says, "oh no"
BrenBarn says, "the ceremony turns tragic"
Sargent says, "HA"
Gunther says (to BrenBarn), "so tragic, yet so funny"
Jimbo says, "I still say an elephant would have stopped him."
inky says (to Boldo), "undo! undo!"
Iain says, "That's a horrible death? But he has a XYZZY in his cold dead hand!"
<Guest2> I'm not here to be entertained! Stop amusing me!
Boldo says, "Crap, not again. Uh, guess I'll be going now."
DavidW says (to Jimbo), "Weren't any in stock."
Gunther says (to Iain), "ym breast"
Recchi walks out from under the archway south of here, although you didn't notice him approaching it from the other side.
Guest2 walks out from under the archway south of here, although you didn't notice it approaching it from the other side.
BoingBall says, "suddenly it's the teardrop awards"
Jearl says, "aw, I was all braced for a hearty NOOOOOOOO..."
Jimbo says (to davidw), "*sigh* I know."
Storme says (to boingball), "don't put songs in my head, please"